I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
