i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
