it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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