i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
