Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
