TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
