She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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