Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
