So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
