it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
