why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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