So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
