At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
