I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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