Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
