Yo dont text me then not text me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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