i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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