i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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