saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
