i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
