I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
