6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
