I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
