I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
