Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
