I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
