fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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