just tell him i said nine months
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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