when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
