whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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