His pubic hair was longer than his dick
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
