Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At least make sure they are 18
Why
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
