Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
