I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
