Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you inspire me to be a worse person
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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