I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
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