i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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