Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
