I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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