So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
