Yo dont text me then not text me
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
