Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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