I think i peed on brittanys purse
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
