I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
