I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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