I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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