At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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