I will die if light touches me.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
