tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
