that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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