The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
