I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
